Not bored yet by all the teen paranormal romances you’ve been forced to endure since Twilight fleeced a generation of its pocket money? Here are four hot new movies you’re definitely gonna love…
So Mortal Instruments happened and it was a real blast [no it wasn’t, you hated it – Ed]; a beautifully constructed fantasy world inhabited by characters so vibrant and blooded I had to stop myself from getting up from my seat and reaching into the screen to touch them [you mean punch them?], speak to them, love them.
The minute Mortal Instruments ended I became despondent. I thought to myself, what next? What now? I had become accustomed to a different world, a better world, a world without fat people or the elderly, without pain or fear. I needed another supernatural teen romance film.
After some research the dull ache that has lived in my heart since then was alleviated, for there was hope. And so, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the next four supernatural teen romance movies coming to a cinema nowhere near you quite soon.
Amanda Seyfried plays Caliope “Callie” Armstrong, a shy and awkward teen, resentful of her father (Peter Gallagher) for making her move with him to Philadelphia following the death of her mother in a goblin-related mugging.
At school Callie discovers, to her dismay, that her father has moved her to a goblin neighbourhood and the green skin and diminutive stature of her fellow students acts as a daily reminder of her loss, but when she falls for Wormfist, the captain of the Goblin Football team (Channing Tatum) she realises that she must overcome her trauma and prejudice if she’s ever to find true love. Also an evil goblin is in love with her and wants to turn her into a sort of broth so that he can become immortal. I don’t know.
Contains an uncomfortably long scene in which Peter Gallagher’s character drinks whisky with a subway attendant on an abandoned platform having just lost his shoes and his favourite glove.
Vanessa Hudgens stars as Leanne “Lee” Parker, an unassuming yet stunningly beautiful seventeen-year-old forced to move in with her father (Peter Gallagher) following her mother’s tragic death via a freak lightning strike.
After being attacked by several bestial members of whatever sub-cultural denomination most intimidates middle-aged white men with peptic ulcers, Leanne is saved by a handsome, lightning-wielding boy who informs her that he is a ‘Lightning Lad’ – an immortal, extra-dimensional being sent to watch over her as she is the prophesised ‘Chosen One’ that will lead his species to their new Nirvana. Racing against time to discover the meaning behind her new powers, Leanne and the Lightning Lad must battle the forces of a renegade Lightning God, bent on the destruction of the Lightning Lads for casting him down onto Earth for his hubris.
Contains no less than three scenes of Peter Gallagher on the toilet.
Heather Locklear is improbably cast as seventeen-year-old Rebecca “Becca” Flarts who, following her mother’s tragic death by consumption, is forced to move in with her estranged father (Peter Gallagher).
Followed home one night by a mysterious, robed figure, Becca is saved by a handsome boy from her school who is able to grow an enormous horn, or ‘battle cone’, from his head to defeat her assailant. Revealing himself to be an immortal unicorn named Brad, the boy tells Becca, via clumsily conveyed exposition, that she, too, is a unicorn and that the robed figures are a death cult who wish to capture her and extract her incredibly rare horn, known as the Cone of Hearts, in order to resurrect a dark god or something.
Topless, Brad offers to protect Becca as they race against time to prevent the cult from discovering the true secret of the Cone of Death.. no, wait, the Cone of Hearts… oh, whatever.
Contains a ludicrous amount of unintentional, ‘cone’-based innuendo and a scene in which Peter Gallagher sings the entirety of Unchained Melody to a photograph of Paul Newman he took from inside a bush.
Ursa: City Of Bears
Director: Li’l Tim Trimmings
Starring: Chloe Moretz, Yuri The Bear, Peter Gallagher
Chloe Moretz is Amanda “Man”/”Big Man”/”Man 2 Man” Price, a spoiled prep school girl sent to live with her father (Peter Gallagher) in downtown Brooklyn when her wealthy mother is killed. Probably in a war, in case you were wondering.
At school Amanda realises all is not as it seems when the students begin to exhibit animalistic behavior such as heightened senses, fur, incontinence, fear of fireworks, a completely alien system of morality and the inability to speak or communicate with her in any way. Teaming up with a boy she suspects may be a bear, Amanda must battle forces beyond her control to… oh honestly, who cares, when the twist is that she’s a bear or a wolf or maybe she can TURN INTO a wolf or something?
Contains a scene in which Peter Gallagher throws bread at some penguins and then accuses them of selfishness.